Killer Facebook Statuses

Killer Facebook Statuses

1. I just saved a bunch of money on valentines day by switching to single.
2. A lot of people don’t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
3. I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button & I’m still at school.
4. What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
5. It must be hard for Kanye to drive with all his rear view mirrors pointed at him.
6. Log in to Australian Instagram to see the bottom half of your sunset photos.
7. I oppose deporting Justin Bieber for his crimes. This is America, after all. We have the death penalty.
8. “I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
9. I’m counting the past 2 hours lying on the couch not going to the gym as resistance training.
10. A completely unattractive man is hitting on me at the bar. I’d drink until he’s cute but the bar closes in 9 hours.
11. If you’re 17 and your 200 year old lover won’t turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he’s just not that into you.
12. The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
13. How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
14. When I ask someone what their name is, why do I never actually listen to their answer?
15. Lingerie is just expensive wrapping paper.
16. I’ve lost most of my hearing, but it’s okay because it turns out the only thing people say to me is “nothing, nevermind.”
17. I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance daddy.
18. “Hangover” makes it sounds like it’s all done now. I’d like to propose the term “hanghappening”.
19. Ugly is such an ugly word. If you must describe me I’d prefer if you used the term “handsomely-challenged”
20. Nobody gets treated worse than a fast food worker who gets an order wrong.

Superbowl Status Updates

Superbowl Status Updates

1. A Utah ape that has correctly picked the Super Bowl winner for six straight years predicted Thursday that the Seattle Seahawks will be the next NFL champion.
2. You’re invited to watch the Super Bowl with me on your television.
3. Two Superbowls with two completely different teams, never been done before by a starting QB.
4. Auto correct just tried to make “Super Bowl” into “superb owl.” Personally, I’d rather see the owl.
5. My idea of a Superbowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
6. Today is like Christmas for out of shape, middle aged football fans.
7. This year I’m calling it the Super Duper Bowl.
8. The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
9. Life is like the Superbowl. It has a start, a half-time, an end, and crazy people yelling at your mistakes.
10. While you’re chowing down this Superbowl remember this… To burn off ONE plain M&M candy, you need to walk the full length of a football field. Enjoy.

20 Fun Facebook Status Ideas

20 Fun Facebook Status Ideas

1. Follow your brain. Your heart is stupid.
2. I can’t get out of bed.
   These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
3. I could be locked in a room with no tv, phone, or internet access and I’d probably still not do my homework.
4. Hardest thing to answer: Describe yourself.
5. Never trust a person who doesn’t like dogs.
6. I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
7. Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a “no girls allowed” sign.
8. It’s so adorable when my Mom calls and asks me for my “email number.”
9. Never assume anything but the position.
10. I like messing with Texas by calling random numbers in Houston and telling them I have a problem.
11. I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
12. Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
13. Bond. Hydrogen bond.
14. I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
15. To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
16. Thinking about changing my name to Woo Hoo. It would be nice to have strangers cheering for me regularly
17. Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
18. Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
19. A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
20. When I go to your place for the first time, unless you live in a castle, please don’t ask me if I want a tour.

20 Creative Facebook Statuses

20 Creative Facebook Statuses

1. Don’t text me when I’m playing Flappy Bird.
2. That awkward moment when Facebook notifies you of 4 birthdays today and you wish 1 person happy birthday and ignore the other 3 birthdays.
3. Arriving at one goal is the starting point to another.
4. I grew up in the era where you had to go to channel 3 to play video games.
5. I tell my parents a funny story, then it turns into a “life-lesson”.
6. Do you ever get a weird crush on someone that’s not even attractive but you’re just attracted to them and you don’t know why?
7. Use my handheld internet device to talk to humans? Eff that noise.
8. 10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
9. Who me? Just fixing society’s problems by liking and sharing ish on Facebook.
10. According to legend, vampires can only enter your home if invited in. Otherwise, they’ll just leave you with some free reading materials.
11. Observation: Any story that ends with “Anyway, it was really funny” is not really funny.
12. If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
13. I know pushing the button repeatedly won’t make the crosswalk change any faster, but it’s not like I have anything else to do right now.
14. I wish ice cream trucks came around at night when we needed them the most.
15. These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
16. Fun fact: Fireflies are not actually flies, they’re beetles. Also, most of them are not on fire.
17. I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
18. Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
19. Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
20. Wave your hands in the air! Wave ‘em all around like you’re relatively indifferent to the current situation in which you find yourself!

20 Marvelous Status Updates

20 Marvelous Status Updates

1. Some souls are consumed with what grows in the garden of others and then wonder, why their own does not flourish.
2. Humans are the only creature in this world, who cut the trees, made paper from it and then wrote, “SAVE TREES” on it.
3. Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
4. The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
5. Look, all we have to do is put little pieces of paper with mystical-sounding gibberish on them inside these cookies — we’ll make a fortune!
6. When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
7. Bronchitis is my least favorite dinosaur.
8. Some people have food in their teeth because no one likes them enough to mention it. This serves as an early warning system for assholes.
9. I think the real question by now is: What is a Klondike Bar going to do for me?
10. Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
11. I just responded to a text message someone sent me a year ago with, “yeah, sounds good. Let’s do that.”
12. When you have a good imagination, you can make up all the facts you want.
13. Did you know that Saudi Arabia imports Camels from Australia?
14. My favorite thing about the term “brah” is when people don’t use it.
15. Dinner is no fun anymore since I stopped pretending I’m on TV when I’m cooking.
16. Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
17. A friend told me he could see the future. So I punched him in the face. “Guess you’re not very good at it.”
18. I think Oprah should marry Deepak Choprah and take his last name.
19. If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?
20. You Canadians spell humor as “humour.” American humor is better. We can do it without u.

20 Awesome Status

20 Awesome Status

1. Today I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed “Why is there.” Yahoo gave me “Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball” and Google gave me “Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn.” Google wins yet again
2. Wishing the amazing Olympic athletes from around the world the best of luck in Sochi (finding drinking water and toilets).
3. Playing Flappy Bird:
   “Alright last game” *dies*
   “Alright last game” *dies*
   “Alright last game” *dies*
   “Alright last game” *dies*
4. I’m not anti-social, I’m selectively social. There’s a difference.
5. I can party much longer than my cell phone battery.
6. My super power is finding out about really cool shit after it happens.
7. Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
8. The fine print on Krazy Glue reads, “The only two things this product will successfully attach are your fingers and this tube.”
9. When you were a kid, your biggest decision was “Duck Hunt or Mario Bros.”
10. Do you ever laugh so hard you accidentally work your abs?
11. We need a set time limit for when people can say “long story short,” because it usually comes WAY too late.
12. I didn’t drool… I shed mouth tears of joy!
13. Dear Blessings, Enough with the disguises already. Sincerely, Me.
14. I truly wonder how much better life would be if people were required to fill out a CAPTCHA before breeding.
15. The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.
16. The happiest sentence, ruined by one word: I’m getting laid. Off.
17. I think Eminem should become a dentist just so he can say “snap back to reality, oh there goes a cavity.”
18. My pet peeve is the phrase “pet peeve.”
19. Stop looking at your phone. No one texted you.
20. The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.