20 Awesome Status

20 Awesome Status

1. Today I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed “Why is there.” Yahoo gave me “Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball” and Google gave me “Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn.” Google wins yet again
2. Wishing the amazing Olympic athletes from around the world the best of luck in Sochi (finding drinking water and toilets).
3. Playing Flappy Bird:
   “Alright last game” *dies*
   “Alright last game” *dies*
   “Alright last game” *dies*
   “Alright last game” *dies*
4. I’m not anti-social, I’m selectively social. There’s a difference.
5. I can party much longer than my cell phone battery.
6. My super power is finding out about really cool shit after it happens.
7. Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
8. The fine print on Krazy Glue reads, “The only two things this product will successfully attach are your fingers and this tube.”
9. When you were a kid, your biggest decision was “Duck Hunt or Mario Bros.”
10. Do you ever laugh so hard you accidentally work your abs?
11. We need a set time limit for when people can say “long story short,” because it usually comes WAY too late.
12. I didn’t drool… I shed mouth tears of joy!
13. Dear Blessings, Enough with the disguises already. Sincerely, Me.
14. I truly wonder how much better life would be if people were required to fill out a CAPTCHA before breeding.
15. The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.
16. The happiest sentence, ruined by one word: I’m getting laid. Off.
17. I think Eminem should become a dentist just so he can say “snap back to reality, oh there goes a cavity.”
18. My pet peeve is the phrase “pet peeve.”
19. Stop looking at your phone. No one texted you.
20. The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.