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Killer Facebook Statuses
- I just saved a bunch of money on valentines day by switching to single.
- A lot of people don’t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
- I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button & I’m still at school.
- What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
- It must be hard for Kanye to drive with all his rear view mirrors pointed at him.
- Log in to Australian Instagram to see the bottom half of your sunset photos.
- I oppose deporting Justin Bieber for his crimes. This is America, after all. We have the death penalty.
- “I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
- I’m counting the past 2 hours lying on the couch not going to the gym as resistance training.
- A completely unattractive man is hitting on me at the bar. I’d drink until he’s cute but the bar closes in 9 hours.
- If you’re 17 and your 200 year old lover won’t turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he’s just not that into you.
- The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
- How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
- When I ask someone what their name is, why do I never actually listen to their answer?
- Lingerie is just expensive wrapping paper.
- I’ve lost most of my hearing, but it’s okay because it turns out the only thing people say to me is “nothing, nevermind.”
- I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance daddy.
- “Hangover” makes it sounds like it’s all done now. I’d like to propose the term “hanghappening”.
- Ugly is such an ugly word. If you must describe me I’d prefer if you used the term “handsomely-challenged”
- Nobody gets treated worse than a fast food worker who gets an order wrong.
Superbowl Status Updates
- A Utah ape that has correctly picked the Super Bowl winner for six straight years predicted Thursday that the Seattle Seahawks will be the next NFL champion.
- You’re invited to watch the Super Bowl with me on your television.
- Two Superbowls with two completely different teams, never been done before by a starting QB.
- Auto correct just tried to make “Super Bowl” into “superb owl.” Personally, I’d rather see the owl.
- My idea of a Superbowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
- Today is like Christmas for out of shape, middle aged football fans.
- This year I’m calling it the Super Duper Bowl.
- The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
- Life is like the Superbowl. It has a start, a half-time, an end, and crazy people yelling at your mistakes.
- While you’re chowing down this Superbowl remember this… To burn off ONE plain M&M candy, you need to walk the full length of a football field. Enjoy.
20 Fun Facebook Status Ideas
- Follow your brain. Your heart is stupid.
- I can’t get out of bed.
These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
- I could be locked in a room with no tv, phone, or internet access and I’d probably still not do my homework.
- Hardest thing to answer: Describe yourself.
- Never trust a person who doesn’t like dogs.
- I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
- Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a “no girls allowed” sign.
- It’s so adorable when my Mom calls and asks me for my “email number.”
- Never assume anything but the position.
- I like messing with Texas by calling random numbers in Houston and telling them I have a problem.
- I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
- Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
- Bond. Hydrogen bond.
- I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
- To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
- Thinking about changing my name to Woo Hoo. It would be nice to have strangers cheering for me regularly
- Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
- Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
- A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
- When I go to your place for the first time, unless you live in a castle, please don’t ask me if I want a tour.
20 Creative Facebook Statuses
- Don’t text me when I’m playing Flappy Bird.
- That awkward moment when Facebook notifies you of 4 birthdays today and you wish 1 person happy birthday and ignore the other 3 birthdays.
- Arriving at one goal is the starting point to another.
- I grew up in the era where you had to go to channel 3 to play video games.
- I tell my parents a funny story, then it turns into a “life-lesson”.
- Do you ever get a weird crush on someone that’s not even attractive but you’re just attracted to them and you don’t know why?
- Use my handheld internet device to talk to humans? Eff that noise.
- 10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
- Who me? Just fixing society’s problems by liking and sharing ish on Facebook.
- According to legend, vampires can only enter your home if invited in. Otherwise, they’ll just leave you with some free reading materials.
- Observation: Any story that ends with “Anyway, it was really funny” is not really funny.
- If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
- I know pushing the button repeatedly won’t make the crosswalk change any faster, but it’s not like I have anything else to do right now.
- I wish ice cream trucks came around at night when we needed them the most.
- These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
- Fun fact: Fireflies are not actually flies, they’re beetles. Also, most of them are not on fire.
- I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
- Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
- Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
- Wave your hands in the air! Wave ‘em all around like you’re relatively indifferent to the current situation in which you find yourself!
20 Marvelous Status Updates
- Some souls are consumed with what grows in the garden of others and then wonder, why their own does not flourish.
- Humans are the only creature in this world, who cut the trees, made paper from it and then wrote, “SAVE TREES” on it.
- Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
- The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
- Look, all we have to do is put little pieces of paper with mystical-sounding gibberish on them inside these cookies — we’ll make a fortune!
- When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
- Bronchitis is my least favorite dinosaur.
- Some people have food in their teeth because no one likes them enough to mention it. This serves as an early warning system for assholes.
- I think the real question by now is: What is a Klondike Bar going to do for me?
- Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
- I just responded to a text message someone sent me a year ago with, “yeah, sounds good. Let’s do that.”
- When you have a good imagination, you can make up all the facts you want.
- Did you know that Saudi Arabia imports Camels from Australia?
- My favorite thing about the term “brah” is when people don’t use it.
- Dinner is no fun anymore since I stopped pretending I’m on TV when I’m cooking.
- Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
- A friend told me he could see the future. So I punched him in the face. “Guess you’re not very good at it.”
- I think Oprah should marry Deepak Choprah and take his last name.
- If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?
- You Canadians spell humor as “humour.” American humor is better. We can do it without u.
20 Awesome Status
- Today I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed “Why is there.” Yahoo gave me “Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball” and Google gave me “Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn.” Google wins yet again
- Wishing the amazing Olympic athletes from around the world the best of luck in Sochi (finding drinking water and toilets).
- Playing Flappy Bird:
“Alright last game” *dies*
“Alright last game” *dies*
“Alright last game” *dies*
“Alright last game” *dies*
- I’m not anti-social, I’m selectively social. There’s a difference.
- I can party much longer than my cell phone battery.
- My super power is finding out about really cool shit after it happens.
- Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
- The fine print on Krazy Glue reads, “The only two things this product will successfully attach are your fingers and this tube.”
- When you were a kid, your biggest decision was “Duck Hunt or Mario Bros.”
- Do you ever laugh so hard you accidentally work your abs?
- We need a set time limit for when people can say “long story short,” because it usually comes WAY too late.
- I didn’t drool… I shed mouth tears of joy!
- Dear Blessings, Enough with the disguises already. Sincerely, Me.
- I truly wonder how much better life would be if people were required to fill out a CAPTCHA before breeding.
- The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.
- The happiest sentence, ruined by one word: I’m getting laid. Off.
- I think Eminem should become a dentist just so he can say “snap back to reality, oh there goes a cavity.”
- My pet peeve is the phrase “pet peeve.”
- Stop looking at your phone. No one texted you.
- The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.